Journal

I have wanted to write this entry for so long now, finally it’s getting done.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. We have to turn in housing for next year and it has brought about some changes. First is the fact that I cannot go on pretending Steve is my best friend, because he is not. Twice he’s asked me to room with him next year and twice he’s changed his mind when something "better" came along. That’s pretty much the story here, friends since we were four and I’ve become a secondary option. Actually, lets be honest I was always a second option and I knew this rift was coming. One year ago, I was baptized, and right then I knew, when he decided not to show up, we were done. I went one way on the "moral spectrum" and he has decided to go the other.

Once I told him that I was planning to attend one of Tim’s parties in order to support Tim because it was his birthday or something. Steve told me that I’d end up drinking because of peer pressure and I said assured him it wouldn’t happen. He then told me that he and Rob would make me drink, whether I knew it or not, because he’d slip me something. Wow, what a good friend. Then this housing thing came up and even though he had already told me that we would live together next year no problem. Then Tim tells him about getting a frat house and he decides that he’ll do that instead. The house falls through, so he’s back to me his secondary option. Then Tim asks him to move in, even though we’ve already planned on housing and everything. Again, he goes with Tim, giving me a bullshit excuse, and ditches me.

I already know that he’ll never talk to me next year, unless he needs something, because apparently that’s all I’m good for. I can’t consider him a best friend, or even a friend. He’s just my roommate now, nothing more, nothing less. That may sound harsh, but it’s not like this has been going on for a few days, try a few years. Last night we went to see wrestling in Providence, Steve, Greg, and I. Never did Steve thank me for getting the tickets; Greg thanked me like every five minutes. Last night was the last hurrah. I mean we talked about Celtics games and future sporting events, but I only do that kinda stuff with friends and people I trust.

That’s another thing I can’t trust Steve. I mean he told me he’d purposely drug me. I just can’t deal with him anymore. He drinks I don't, he gambles I don't...we just are too different now. I want to be sad, but I'm really not and I don't know why I'm so ok with this...oh well its just life.

However, my other roommate, Tony, has been awesome. Sure we bump heads now and then, but he would never do anything like drug me. I know I can trust him because he’s never done anything to make me think otherwise. Sometimes I worry that he doesn’t like me though or doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. Not that I can blame him, because I’m a cold hearted jerk sometimes. I hope that I can room with him next year…and no he’s not my secondary option. I actually wanted all three of us to room again and that was the original plan, until Steve changed it. We’ll see though, he might not want to put up with me anymore, but it would sure be nice to room with someone I know and trust. He is truly like a brother to me...all the way down to bickering over what channel to watch, hahaha. Good times...I’m glad he’s doing as well as he is, because he really deserves it, he’s a good guy. Not that Steve’s doesn’t deserve to do well, or that he’s a horrible person. He’s just not kind to me anymore and I’ve only ever been a brother to him. Oh well...

Times change, Things change, people change...dynasties end.

I think this is all a lie. I look inside myself and I find weakness and indecisiveness. On the one hand I have it in my mind I’m in love, head over heels, for this one girl. On the other hand, I think it’s not her, but rather someone else. Both are very special friends, but the second one has been with me, for the most part, through so much. Then again I haven’t really known the first one nearly as long. However, this second girl and I have examined everything and I thought for sure I was never flirty or anything, but then I look back and I question myself.

I have near nothing in common with girl one, but that’s kind of a good thing in that she makes me see things in different ways. However, this second girl who’s also very different, is also very much the same. So maybe I feel much more for this second girl than I originally thought. In a way I find heaven inside of each of them, but which one is bigger? Or can it be so?

This is a big problem then because it means that I’ve led on the first girl, so effectively losing her and the second girl has said she wants nothing with me other than being a friend and being “a kid”, effectively losing her. So am I alone? What should I do? Do I say anything? I still think I’m in love with the first girl, so maybe I wasn’t leading her on, but then if I’m in love with the second girl, what do I do? I’m so lost and confused and in a way sad, because it seems like my being lost and confused is going to render me alone. Oh well, it shall become, what it shall become…

Well, I created this site in hopes to fill some time and so far it has served its purpose. Therefore, my LJ may or may not be active, I still haven't decided. Sometimes it seems like a waste, yet people read it, but then again if I post problems or concerns, heck anything, nobody gives advice anymore, so is it really worth it? I mean all I get as complaints that I'm too depressing, blah blah blah, but I don't feel a major need to post about events that make me haooy or anything, because I don't need to express them. I need to express my sadness, concerns, worries, because I can only carry the weight of the world so long. So yeah the LJ might die soon, we'll see. If anything it might stay up so I can view friends pages since it's the cool thing, I guess.


				The Great Beyond *Journal*



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		03/01/05 I have wanted to write this entry for so long now, finally it’s getting done. Lately, I've been thinking a lot. We have to turn in housing for next year and it has brought about some changes. First is the fact that I cannot go on pretending Steve is my best friend, because he is not. Twice he’s asked me to room with him next year and twice he’s changed his mind when something "better" came along. That’s pretty much the story here, friends since we were four and I’ve become a secondary option. Actually, lets be honest I was always a second option and I knew this rift was coming. One year ago, I was baptized, and right then I knew, when he decided not to show up, we were done. I went one way on the "moral spectrum" and he has decided to go the other. Once I told him that I was planning to attend one of Tim’s parties in order to support Tim because it was his birthday or something. Steve told me that I’d end up drinking because of peer pressure and I said assured him it wouldn’t happen. He then told me that he and Rob would make me drink, whether I knew it or not, because he’d slip me something. Wow, what a good friend. Then this housing thing came up and even though he had already told me that we would live together next year no problem. Then Tim tells him about getting a frat house and he decides that he’ll do that instead. The house falls through, so he’s back to me his secondary option. Then Tim asks him to move in, even though we’ve already planned on housing and everything. Again, he goes with Tim, giving me a bullshit excuse, and ditches me. I already know that he’ll never talk to me next year, unless he needs something, because apparently that’s all I’m good for. I can’t consider him a best friend, or even a friend. He’s just my roommate now, nothing more, nothing less. That may sound harsh, but it’s not like this has been going on for a few days, try a few years. Last night we went to see wrestling in Providence, Steve, Greg, and I. Never did Steve thank me for getting the tickets; Greg thanked me like every five minutes. Last night was the last hurrah. I mean we talked about Celtics games and future sporting events, but I only do that kinda stuff with friends and people I trust. That’s another thing I can’t trust Steve. I mean he told me he’d purposely drug me. I just can’t deal with him anymore. He drinks I don't, he gambles I don't...we just are too different now. I want to be sad, but I'm really not and I don't know why I'm so ok with this...oh well its just life. However, my other roommate, Tony, has been awesome. Sure we bump heads now and then, but he would never do anything like drug me. I know I can trust him because he’s never done anything to make me think otherwise. Sometimes I worry that he doesn’t like me though or doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. Not that I can blame him, because I’m a cold hearted jerk sometimes. I hope that I can room with him next year…and no he’s not my secondary option. I actually wanted all three of us to room again and that was the original plan, until Steve changed it. We’ll see though, he might not want to put up with me anymore, but it would sure be nice to room with someone I know and trust. He is truly like a brother to me...all the way down to bickering over what channel to watch, hahaha. Good times...I’m glad he’s doing as well as he is, because he really deserves it, he’s a good guy. Not that Steve’s doesn’t deserve to do well, or that he’s a horrible person. He’s just not kind to me anymore and I’ve only ever been a brother to him. Oh well... Times change, Things change, people change...dynasties end. 02/08/05 I think this is all a lie. I look inside myself and I find weakness and indecisiveness. On the one hand I have it in my mind I’m in love, head over heels, for this one girl. On the other hand, I think it’s not her, but rather someone else. Both are very special friends, but the second one has been with me, for the most part, through so much. Then again I haven’t really known the first one nearly as long. However, this second girl and I have examined everything and I thought for sure I was never flirty or anything, but then I look back and I question myself. I have near nothing in common with girl one, but that’s kind of a good thing in that she makes me see things in different ways. However, this second girl who’s also very different, is also very much the same. So maybe I feel much more for this second girl than I originally thought. In a way I find heaven inside of each of them, but which one is bigger? Or can it be so? This is a big problem then because it means that I’ve led on the first girl, so effectively losing her and the second girl has said she wants nothing with me other than being a friend and being “a kid”, effectively losing her. So am I alone? What should I do? Do I say anything? I still think I’m in love with the first girl, so maybe I wasn’t leading her on, but then if I’m in love with the second girl, what do I do? I’m so lost and confused and in a way sad, because it seems like my being lost and confused is going to render me alone. Oh well, it shall become, what it shall become… 02/03/05 Well, I created this site in hopes to fill some time and so far it has served its purpose. Therefore, my LJ may or may not be active, I still haven't decided. Sometimes it seems like a waste, yet people read it, but then again if I post problems or concerns, heck anything, nobody gives advice anymore, so is it really worth it? I mean all I get as complaints that I'm too depressing, blah blah blah, but I don't feel a major need to post about events that make me haooy or anything, because I don't need to express them. I need to express my sadness, concerns, worries, because I can only carry the weight of the world so long. So yeah the LJ might die soon, we'll see. If anything it might stay up so I can view friends pages since it's the cool thing, I guess.